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Joke of day.

How the fight got started!

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...

The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....​



______________________________​



My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's how the fight started...​



________________________________​



I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's how the fight started.....​



________________________________​



My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she
kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking right after we
split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And that’s how the fight started...​



________________________________​



When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me
that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take
care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more
important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily
snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for
a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only a minute, and
when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish
cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
. . . . . . . . . . . . . The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.​



________________________________​



My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And that’s how the fight started...​



________________________________​



Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and
slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and
proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I
pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the
weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly
undressed, and slipped back into bed.. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a
different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband
is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...​



________________________________​



My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And that’s how the fight started......​



________________________________​



After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she
processed my Social Security application..
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office...
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'
And that’s how the fight started...​



________________________________​



My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And that's how the fight started........​
 
Jim, Dave and Eric die and arrive at the gate, St Paul explains to them: 'Heaven is a very big place and you need a car to get around. The car you get depends solely on how faithful you were to your spouse while you were alive'
Jim was married for 15 years and cheated on his wife 3 times so he got a Citi Golf.
Dave was married 20 years and cheated on his wife once so he got a Toyota Corolla.
Eric was married for 50 years and never cheated on his wife so he got a BMW.
Jim and Dave were very envious of Eric!
A couple of months later Jim and Dave see Eric sitting on the pavement crying...
Dave asks: 'What's wrong buddy?'
Eric replies: 'I just saw my wife'
Jim asks: 'So? why are you crying?'
Eric says: 'She was on a bicycle!'
 
A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when Tony, a tall, exceptionally handsome, extremely sexy, middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.

This seasoned yet playful heartthrob noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As any man would.) Before she could offer her apologies for staring so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $ 20.00... on one condition..."

Flabbergasted but intrigued, the woman asked what the condition was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, and then slowly removed $ 20.00 bill from her purse, which she pressed into the man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply and passionately into his eyes, barely concealing her anticipation and excitement, and slowly and meaningfully said....

"Clean my house."
 
Justice Exposed.

· In the fun world of the administration of justice, not all the laughs are in the court-room. For example: On a bitterly cold winter's day several years ago in northern British Columbia, a constable on patrol came across a motorcyclist, who was swathed in protective clothing and helmet, stalled by the roadside. "What's the matter?" asked the policeman.

"Carburettor’s frozen," was the terse reply.

"Pee on it. That'll thaw it out."

"Can't."

"OK, Watch me and I will show you." The constable lubricated the carburettor, as promised. The bike started and the rider drove off, waving. A few days later, the detachment office received a note of thanks from the father of the motorbike rider. It began: "On behalf of my daughter, who was recently stranded ...."
 
A Little Grumpy

Well winter has arrived and despite cautious driving, I bumped into a nice shiny Mercedes at a light on the way to work. Just a bump, but before I could put it into park, the door flew open on the Mercedes and out jumps a dwarf. He trudged through the snow toward me as I rolled down my window. With his hands on his hips he turned his angry little face up to me and said "I AM NOT HAPPY!" I looked down at him, shrugged, and calmly said "O.K. so then which one are you ?" That's when the fight started.
 
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Irish Sex Therapy

Paddy is passing by Mick's hay shed one day when through a gap in the door
he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old red
Massey Ferguson.

Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first
the right welly, followed by the left.

He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets
his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his
corduroy trousers.

Grabbing both sides of his check shirt he rips it apart to reveal his tea
stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap on
to a pile of hay.

"What the Heck are you doing Mick" says Paddy.

"Jeez Paddy, ye frightened the livin bejasus out of me, says an obviously
embarrassed Mick: "but me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in
the bedroom department, and the Therapist suggested I do something sexy to
a tractor".
 
Return to Sender

A man bought a new Mercedes to celebrate his wife leaving him and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive.

The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him.

"There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100.....Then the reality of the situation hit him. "What am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.

The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.

"It's been a long hard day, this is the end of my shift and it's Friday the 13th. I don't feel like more paperwork, I don't need the frustration or the overtime, so if you can give me a really good excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go."

The guy thinks about it for a second and says, "Last week my nagging wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"

"Have a nice weekend," said the officer.
 
A crude one I found online. It made me chuckle:

Q: What's the difference between a Lamborghini and a boner?






A: I don't have a Lamborghini.
 
A blonde walks into a cleaning store and gives the clerk her shirt.
As the blonde is leavin the clerk says, come again!
The Blonde replies, Its toothpaste this time!
 
A little boy with diarrhea tell his Mom he needs a Viagra. His mother is very shocked and ask why on earth does he need that? The little boy replies "Isn't that what you give Dad when his sh*t wont get hard?"
 
Lost Soul

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs.

Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the bush.

As I was not familiar with the outback, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn’t stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.

I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.






As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”

Apparently I’m still lost………
 
National jokes

AmericanWhy are the streets in Hollywood so clean?
Because they put all the garbage on television.

Beverley Hills?That's where they watch "Dynasty" to see how the poor people live.

ArgentinianQ: How does an Argentinian commit suicide?
A: He jumps off his ego.

BelgianAbout Holland
Q: How do you tell, as you're driving towards Holland, that you've crossed the border?
A: You see the toilet paper hanging out to dry on the washing lines.

BritainNever ask an English person where he's from. If he's from Yorkshire, he'll tell you; if he's from anywhere else, it's unfair to embarrass him.

Tourist to small boy: Does it ever stop raining in Scotland?
Small boy : I don't know, I'm only 13.

Student 1: My intro to Edinburgh was icily horizontal sleet backed up by a force 9 gale. I kid you not.
Student 2: Oh? You came in summer, then?


BulgarianTraditionally, the inhabitants of the area around Sofia, the Shops, have a reputation for a species of stupid cunning...


There are two Shop policemen on duty in Sofia, when they're approached by a tourist. He asks a question in English, obviously looking for help. They don't understand him, so he tries again in French. Still no better. He tries once more in German, and, getting no response, finally gives up and goes away.

"I think we should learn a foreign language, don't you?", says one policeman. "It might be useful". "I don't see why", says the other. "That tourist knew several, and it didn't help him".

ChineseAbout America
Chinese to European: You are not us clever as us. We discovered gunpowder and used it for fireworks. You used it in guns.
We discovered ships and long-distance navigation, and gave it up. You used it to create America.

DutchAbout Belgium
Did you know the Belgian Ministry of Transport has introduced a new sign?
It reads "End of Roundabout".

What sign do they put on the bottom of Belgian swimming pools?
"No smoking".

GermanyA farmer is working near his farmhouse when he sees, a few fields away, a distant figure leaning over towards the horsetrough. He shouts out [the Dutch for] "Don't drink that water! It's full of pesticide!". The figure shouts back "Ich verstehe nicht! Was sagen Sie?". So he cups his hands to his mouth and shouts at the top of his voice "BEIDE HANDEN! BEIDE HANDEN!".

GreekGod decides to visit the Earth to see what men think of his creation. So he comes down to the surface and starts his travels in England. He comes to a farmer working in the fields.
- "Mr Farmer, Mr Farmer. What do you think of this land that I have made for thee? Are you happy with it?"

"Well, it's very scenic. I like the lakes, and the rivers, and the swamps, and the mountains. But, you know, there is not enough space. All the land is lakes, and rivers, and swamps, and mountains, and there is no room to grow anything."

"Hmmm, yes, I understand. Well, suppose I remove most of the lakes, and the rivers, and the swamps, and the mountains. Would that satisfy thee?".

"Yes, that would satisfy me." So God does, and the farmer walks away happy. God continues his travels and comes to France, where he meets a peasant, toiling in the vinyards.

"Mr Peasant, Mr Peasant, are you happy with this land that I have made for thee? Are you happy with it?"

"Well, the climate is excellent, and the soil grows good grapes. But, you know, my master doesn't care about that. All he wants to do is to get the grapes to wine as quickly as possible. He doesn't care at all about the quality of the wime."

"Hmmmm, yes, I see. Well, suppose I take away your master and give you a new master? Would you then be happy?"

"Yes, that would satisfy me." So God does, and the peasant walks away satisfied. God continues his travels, down through Italy, and eventually comes to Greece, where he meets a farmer working in the fields.

"Mr Farmer, Mr Farmer, what do you think of this land that I have made for thee? Are you happy with it?".

"No, I am not happy?".

"But why not?"

"Look. This is my ox [points here], and this is my neighbour's ox [points there]."

"But what is wrong?"

"Don't you see? Look! This is my ox [points here again], and this is my neighbour's ox [points there again]. His ox is twice as big as my ox."

"Hmmm, yes, I see. So suppose I made your ox as big as your neighbour's ox. Would that satisfy you?"

"No, you don't understand."

"But why? If I make your ox as big as your neighbour's ox, you will both be equal."

"No, you don't understand. I want you to KILL my neighbour's ox!"

PolishScene: The White House

Presidential Aide - Mr. Reagan!. Mr Reagan Sir!!! The Russians have just landed on the Moon! And they've started to paint it red! What shall we do?
Ronnie - Come back when they've finished, son.
P.A. [later] - Mr. Reagan Sir. The Russians have painted a quarter of the moon red!
Ronnie - Don't worry about it, son. Tell me when they've finished.
P.A. [still later]- Mr. Reagan Sir. The Russians have now painted half the moon red! Aren't you going to do anything!
Ronnie - Nope, not yet.
P.A. [still later and even more anxious] - Mr. Reagan Sir. The Russians have now painted THREE-QUARTERS of the moon red! Can we bomb them, Sir! Please Sir!
Ronnie - [ as before ]
P.A. - Mr Reagan. They've painted the *WHOLE* moon red! Ronnie - OK. Now call NASA, and tell them to get a rocket up there, with plenty of white paint, and paint "Coca-Cola" across it.


This was in the time when Rusia was called Soviet Union:

Two guys meet on the street of Warsaw. One of them is very excited. "Do you know the recent news?" asks the other guy. "No, what news?" he responds. "Ruskie landed on the moon!" the first guy informs with excitement. "All of them?" asks the second. "No of course not, only three of them". "Then go to hell with such news!" responds the second guy.
Andrzej Lewandowski

RomanianCeaucescu, Bush and Gorbachev are travelling by ship to a conference, when they're wrecked on a desert island. Everything is lost in the disaster, they have no food, and so they decide to go their separate ways and scour the island.

After three days, Bush still has found nothing to live on, and he is desparate. As he comes to a clearing in the woods, he smells cooking. Can it be...? He looks into the clearing, and sees Ceaucescu stirring a big pot over a fire. "How can I persude him to give me some of that?", he thinks. "I know! - he hates communists. So ..."

Bush ventures into the clearing and greets Ceaucescu. "I don't like Gorbachev, do you?", he says. "Oh, that's a shame", says Ceaucescu. "You won't want any of this stew then, will you?".
 
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One day Dad is working in the garden when his young daughter comes up to him and asks"Whats sex?"

He had both been expecting and dreading this day so he launches into a long speech about conception,pregnancy,birth etc.

When he finishes the little girl nods sagely and then asks"What's a couple?"

So he launches into an even longer spiel about marriage and all its variations, hetro, same sex, co-habitation, multiple wifes and multiple husbands etc,etc.

At the end he says "why do you want to know Honey?"

"Cos I asked Mum when dinner would be ready and she said "In a couple of sec's"

_____________________________________________________________

A little girl rushes up to her mum holding out her index finger crying"Mummy, Mummy my finger, my finger!!"

Mum kisses the end of her finger and says" Whats wrong Sweetie?"

"It went through the toilet paper"
 
John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks.



His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.

One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases.

It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.

It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school.



Tommy was over 2 hours late.

"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project," said Tommy.

The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.

"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.

"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."

The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair...

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"

The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.
 
Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decided to amaze their men. That night all three will wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes.

After a few days they meet up for lunch.

The engaged woman: The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, "You are the woman of my life. I love you." Then we made love all
night long.

The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.

The married woman: I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for the night. When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, "What's for dinner, Batman?"
 
An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'


The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.


In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair,Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'
 
Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size. This is considered a major social breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them!
 
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